The Haunted Mansion Crypts and Pet Cemetery
Welcome, foolish mortals, back to the Haunted Mansion. Do not be alarmed. It is simply I, the humble caretaker of the mansion. I hope you enjoyed your tour of our graveyard last week. As promised, this week I will lead you on a guided tour of the pet cemetery and crypts located on the grounds. I’m sure you’ll find it frightfully fascinating. Or perhaps you’ll be bored to death. Either way, it’s always a scream to me.
After exiting the Haunted Mansion, you’ll come across the crypt of the infamous Bluebeard, or Le Barbe Bleu. A wealthy aristocrat in life, Bluebeard was murdered by his seventh wife. You’ll read as much on his crypt. It says:
Seven winsome wives
Some fat, some thin,
Six of them were faithful
But the seventh did him in
Of course, that doesn’t tell the whole story. Between you and me, the other six were murdered by Bluebeard himself. It only seems fair play that the last one did for him. Come to think of it, now that Bluebeard is buried on Mansion Property, perhaps he and our own Constance Hatchaway should meet. They’d make a perfectly dreadful couple.
Along with Bluebeard’s crypt, we also have two other crypt housing the bodies of 25 poor, unfortunate souls. Here, in no particular order, are the residents:
Asher T. Ashes
Dustin T. Dust
Hail N. Hardy
Hap A. Rition
I. Emma Spook
I. Trudy Dew
Love U. Trudy
Ray N. Carnation
I Trudy Departed
Wee G. Bord
I hear a few of you snickering at the names. Please refrain from doing so. It’s bad form to mock the deceased.
Last, we come to our pet cemetery. It shouldn’t surprise you to find a plot devoted to our dear pets. We at the Haunted Mansion simply love them to death. Here are the lovable animals you’ll find buried on our grounds, as well as their epitaph.
Waddle The Duck – Little Waddle Saw the Truck – but Little Waddle Didn’t Duck
Rover – Every dog has his day – Too bad today was your last
J Thaddeus Toad – While there is no visible epitaph for poor Toad, longtime Magic Kingdom Guests will recall that his famous abode (Toad Hall) could once be visited in Fantasyland.
Eric The Snake – Met His Fate at the Hands of a Garden Rake
Maizy – So Prim and Proper and Never Lazy – Now All You Do Is Push Up Daizys
Whiskers – While this poor little cat doesn’t have an epitaph, its headstone does record when the little feline lost each of its nine lives.
Jed the Cockatoo
There’s also an unnamed monkey buried in the cemetery.
That, I fear, is the end of our tour. From here you will leave the grounds of the Haunted Mansion and re-enter the world of the living. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time with us. I’ll leave you with one final little reminder:
Reader beware as you pass by
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so you will be
Therefore prepare to follow me